Early in my career, I had a difficult relationship with my boss.  I won’t go into the details of our challenges, but at its root was a lack of trust and respect.  Fortunately, a friend coached me towards improving the relationship.  Her guidance transformed the way I think and behave today.

How do you build trust and respect in a challenging relationship?

• Intentionally Look for Something to Appreciate: Instead of focusing on all the things I didn’t like about my boss, change my lens and focus on the positive.  It was challenging for me to do this, so I started small.  I noticed her clothes and looked for something I liked about her outfit.  As this got easier, I started digging deeper, observing things about her personality, skills, and competencies that I could appreciate.
• Extend a Compliment: During every interaction, extend a sincere compliment.  In a relationship that lacks trust and respect, you might think that a compliment would be dismissed or questioned for an ulterior motive.  The key is sincerity.  Emotions are contagious, and using compliments helped shift me into positive emotions, which my boss “caught.”  I began starting every meeting by complimenting her, and it set a positive tone for our meetings.
• Find Something to Learn: With a newly opened and positive mindset, I started looking for her unique strengths. I asked myself what is she good at that I could learn from her?  I developed a deeper appreciation for her talents and greater respect for her.
• Ask for Help: I continued to compliment her and then took it a step further by asking if she would teach me. Ironically, the strengths I identified were previously sources of frustration for me.  I realized that I was overusing some of my strengths and needed to learn some of hers.

Using this approach, my boss and I developed a productive relationship with mutual trust and respect due to me taking the first step towards improving the relationship.

The only behavior you can control is your own, and emotions drive behavior. So, finding ways to shift into positive emotions will help you shift into positive actions.

My challenge to you this week is to identify a challenging relationship you would like to transform and work towards shifting your emotions and actions.  If you need help figuring out how to do this, give me a call!